Genius Fan

As much as I love my parents-in-law (ahem, of course I do) if I had the chance to select ANY guests for my Christmas dinner, you know a ‘fantasy Christmas dinner’, they wouldn’t be on the list. Let me tell you who I would invite. And of course, they’re all from the 18th century.

Genius Fan: Well, I’m the Genius Fan, it’s my party – I have to do the dishes – so I’m at the top of the table.

James Boswell (1740-1795): Goes without saying that Bozzie would be there. He’s on my left. I haven’t invited his mentor Samuel Johnson, because he would divert Boswell’s attention. Without him, Boswell’s effervescence and sociability would keep the company laughing and chatting. He’s there as the catalyst. He could do impressions of people around the table. And I can imagine him blurting out, when there’s a lull in the chat: “Let me tell you about the night me and John Wilkes climbed Vesuvius.” That’s good value for money, right there.

Fanny Burney (1752-1840): Fanny would be next to Boswell. They knew one another and she was fully eyebrow-raised at his approach to life. She was a successful novelist and so was an observer. Also, she would be able to hold her own in the company. She’d handle flattery and patronising chat (of which there might be quite a lot) with equal aplomb.

Hugh Blair (1718-1800): He was the minister at the Church of Scotland at St Giles in Edinburgh. I rate this fella for his conviviality. He was a friend of Boswell and visited him often at his lodgings while he stayed in London in 1763. I think Blair was a man of the world, despite not travelling. Every party should have a Hugh Blair. He was a believer who could tolerate disbelief.

David Hume (1711-1776): Opposite Blair at the other side of the dining table is the ‘infidel’ David Hume. ‘Le Bon David’, as the French called him, would be a wonderful guest. Hume and Blair were friends in enlightenment Edinburgh. His natural affability meant that even Presbyterians like Blair couldn’t resist him. Despite his gigantic intellect it’s said he could drink a pint and tell a funny story. (If we ever do the Frankenstein thing and have the opportunity to bring someone back to life…let’s start with Hume. He can stay in my spare room.)

Jonathan Swift (1667-1745): I’m inviting Swift, the great Irishman, because I think his chat would be very agreeable. He’s one of the greatest satirists in the English language (he wrote Gulliver’s Travels), but I don’t think he would dominate. So he sits between amazing David Hume and the awesome Benjamin Franklin. I’d make sure to get his signature on a napkin. That would be worth something.

Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790): Let’s call him Ben. Ben should be on every person’s fantasy Christmas dinner guest list. Even if you choose say, all footballers, Ben Franklin would storm the party. Your footy stars would leave there with incredulity at the chat from this Founding Father. He was truly a man of the world, he liked a bit of bawdiness, he liked his politics, he had advice for everything and he knew when to stop talking. He. Is. A. Must!

So, that’s my fantasy Christmas dinner list: Boswell, Franklin, Hume, Burney, Swift and Blair. Where’s my wife, you ask? She’s doing the cooking, along with David Hume, who was known to have an interest in and skills in, cooking. Also, she wouldn’t want to be round the table (she’d say: ” That’s your thing”) but would certainly extract a humungous favour in return.